The Unseen Pain of Aging Parents

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In my usual Viber group chat (GC), a truly engaging and poignant message appeared. It quoted one of history's greatest minds: “The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is forgotten." – Albert Einstein.

One might like to believe that Pinoy culture is inherently more attentive to elderly parents. Isn't it normal practice for us to care for our elders? Perhaps not completely, if the six painful points outlined in that message are examined.

As the years advance and life takes its inevitable turns, many of our aging loved ones find themselves battling a deep, pervasive sense of loneliness. This feeling is often amplified for those who have lost a spouse. The world, once vibrant and bustling with family life, can suddenly feel vast and empty. A good friend who lost her spouse to Covid mentioned, “I've lost my sense of belonging for a year. Ako'y tuliro.” It's easy to make the basic assumption that "they're doing fine," or "they prefer their quiet routine." Yet, beneath the surface, a quiet pain often brews. It's about feeling disconnected, undervalued, and, in the most heartbreaking sense, forgotten.

Highlighted in this touching reminder circulating online are the six universally recognized emotional hurts that can impact our elderly parents:

1. Feeling Ignored by Their Children

Once upon a time, they were the indispensable providers of the family's needs and wants. Now, a call that starts with "Kumusta ka na, Ma? Busy ako eh..." often feels like a quick obligation that cuts into an adult child's busy schedule. The parent, who once commanded attention, now feels like an inconvenience.

2. Being Treated as a Burden

This is a truly cruel feeling. Comments like "Gastos na naman!" or "Kuya, ikaw naman ngayon, nasa ospital si Nanay," make the parent feel like their very existence is a financial or logistical strain on their children.

3. Not Being Respected for Their Wisdom

Dismissing their advice with a simple, "Iba na ngayon, Pa, luma na 'yan," feels like rejecting their entire life experience. They wonder if a lifetime of struggles and successes holds no value anymore. Their need is not for their advice to be taken, but for their wisdom to be heard and acknowledged.

4. Being Left Out of Family Decisions

Being sidelined from major family decisions makes them feel that their voice and relevance are gone. For Filipino parents, this often centers on painful circumstances that the children try to hide from them:

·         Serious health matters: The parent is deliberately not told about a sibling's critical illness or an immediate hospital crisis, with children whispering, "Shall we tell him that Lolo is critical in the hospital?

·         Family crises and disgrace: Decisions are made to keep them unaware that a brother is imprisoned, or that siblings are locked in a painful, long-running feud. The children believe the parent "is old and he might not be able to handle it."

Phrases whispered by children like, "Huwag nang ipaalam, baka problema pa," or “ Makulit 'yan, baka magwala" signal to the parent that their input is neither valued nor desired, even in matters that directly affect their peace of mind.

5. Watching Siblings Fight

This is arguably the cruelest part of an elderly parent's life. Feuds over inheritance, money, or power are a failure that any parent feels deeply, adding immense stress and sadness to their old age. One hears the fervent pleas of a desperate father: "Isantabi ninyo ang pride, bagkus magpakumbaba bago man lang ako mawala. Wala akong mukhang haharap sa inyong pumanaw na ina, maawa kayo sa kanya!”

6. Rare Visits from Those They Love Most

This is the most visible sign of being forgotten. Elderly parents always perk up whenever their children and grandkids visit them. Though thrifty on their own needs, they spend lavishly on every family visit. As Lola might say, "Maski mag kautang pa ako, gusto ko masaya at hindi aalis na gutom." While they may understand you are building your own family, the simple lack of presence over time can signal that they are not a priority.

The tragedy of forgetting the emotional hurts may not be tangible, but it overshadows the final years of the people who gave us everything. The truth is, it’s not about expensive gifts or grand gestures; it’s about connection, respect, and inclusion. Ultimately, ensuring our aging parents and loved ones feel seen and supported is a powerful act of love and a recognition of the sacrifices they made for their family.

 

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